Group Sex, Voyeurism, and Audiences, Oh My!

Dr. Michele Kerulis 

Photo Credit: Serrnovik

This article was inspired by Alternet’s Carrie Weisman  as well as by the many questions I have heard about sexual practices among singles and those in relationships. As a clinical therapist I am asked about what is “normal” behavior. It is hard to define “normal” these days and people tend to look to what they see around them to understand normalcy in a social context. Partners should take time to discuss their desires and decide for themselves what is normal.

It is important to note that sexual behaviors exist on a continuum from healthy to dangerous. Sexual behaviors become unhealthy when they put others’ rights and safety at risk and when the sexual behaviors interfere with daily responsibilities (work/career, family, social, hygiene). My comments are based on mutually agreed upon sexual behaviors between consenting adults. Consent must be given in a non-intoxicated state (no drugs or alcohol).

Clinical therapists talk with clients about a variety of personal situations. Clients often talk about sexual situations, including relationships, sexual activities, and sexual preferences. Alternative sexual practices typically fall outside of culturally accepted norms, such as one-to-one sexual encounters considered “normal” in our society. Clients sometimes are hesitant to discus alternative sexual practices because they don’t want to be judged. Sometimes this keeps them from talking about their desire for alternative activities with their one-on-one sexual partners. Therapists provide a safe place for people to talk about their sexual desires, which sometimes includes group sex (threesomes, more than three, etc.), voyeurism, and public sex.  

Group Sex

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A 2013 Metropolitan Report estimated that about 20% of adults have had at least one threesome. In addition, 4-5% of couples are involved in committed open relationships. A growing number of men and women believe that open relationships are acceptable, but open relationships are still less frequently reported than monogamous relationships.

People seem to want sexual variety in their lives. There are certainly gender differences and differences related to sexual orientation and preferences for group sex. Being in a physically and emotionally safe environment can increase the likelihood that people will have pleasurable experiences. Group sex involves a paradigm shift because the tradition in the U.S. is that the norm involves committed monogamous relationships and anything outside of that is considered abnormal or calls values into question. The beauty of our changing society is that what once was considered “normal” is changing to include diversity and cultural variation. Normal is hard to define these days – I prefer to use language with clients based around safety.

Group sex has been a thing since the beginning of time, people just didn’t talk about it. People nowadays may be more open to exploring group sex due to the publicity of alternative sexual behaviors outlined in mainstream media like Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Series, 50 Shades of Gray, and traditional romance novels. Technology (pornhub, Google) makes learning about group sex more accessible as well. Attitudes about sex lives in general are shifting where people are becoming more open to discussing sexual fantasies and practices. 

 Voyeurism

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Voyeurism allows people to feed their curiosity about group sex without actually participating in the physicality of the sexual act. Some people are turned on by watching others and prefer to be on the sidelines rather than in the game.

Watching one’s partner engage in sexual activity with others can initiate an increased desire for one’s sexual partner(s) by seeing that others find him/her sexually attractive.

Having an Audience: Public Sex 

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Clinically the word exhibitionist is linked to a sexual disorder in the DSM in which someone exposes oneself to an unwanting audience. For the purposes of describing sexual activity from a non-clinical perspective, meaning people who are not harming others, I used the term public sex.

Part of the thrill can be taking part in a taboo sexual experience (public sex). People think about public displays of affection (PDA) in different ways. PDA can range from holding hands and giving your partner a peck on the lips to full-on nude intercourse. Some people want to show off their knowledge of the pleasure points of another’s body and others want the attention of being watched for self-esteem boosts or sheer pleasure of allowing others to view their enjoyment. Getting caught can come with different consequences depending on the location of the sexual behaviors (those who want to engage in public displays of affection should be aware of the laws related to public bodily exposure and behaviors). Some people are turned on by the freedom to express their sexuality in non-traditional locations.

Location of sexual activity tends to be an important turn-on factor for people. Sex clubs provide a private community and location in which people can have public sex. Private sex parties are also places where people can engage in PDA. Some people will have sex in public places but risk breaking laws. The important thing to note is that safety should be the number one priority in order to provide a positive sexual experience for all involved.

Domination and Submission 

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Domination and submission can play a role in voyeurism and public sex but not all people who are interested in voyeurism and public sex are motivated by being dominated or submissive. In a recent study  (Joyal, Cossette, & Lapierre, 2014) about 30-60% of people admitted to fantasizing about both being dominated and being submissive. However, sexual fantasy does not always translate into actual behavior. About ½ of women who admitted to a domination/submission fantasy said they actually want to experience it, while the other half did not want to experience domination/submission. Some people enjoy humiliation for sexual pleasure – individual differences determine if people want this to happen in public or private.    

Is it Cheating?

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Cheating is defined as acting dishonestly. Trust is vital in an open relationship and therefore each couple/participant must agree on the terms of their relationship.  People involved in open relationships can set boundaries around what is acceptable and what is not. Cheating in a monogamous relationship is defined by secret sexual encounters with someone outside of the relationship. Setting boundaries is important and are defined by individual differences and preferences. It is really important to discuss trust, jealousy, consent, and safety. Also, utilizing protection is important to prevent STIs.

How Common is This?

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One study estimated about 3% of people surveyed were exhibitionists and almost 8% reported being voyeuristic. Twenty percent of the people surveyed enjoyed both watching sexual acts and participating in public sex. A different study estimated that about 40 million Americans visit porn sites which is a form of voyeurism so I imagine that the actual numbers of people who engage in public sex and enjoy watching public sex acts is much higher.

The bottom line is trust, honesty, and expressing your feelings to your partner(s) is key to a happy and healthy sex life. Talking to a counselor about how to talk with your partner(s) about your desires is one way to open the conversation. It is everyone's responsibility to maintain sexual health in the bedroom (or playroom) so be sure to maintain physical and emotional safety should you decide to engage in group sex, voyeurism, or public sex.